because i can't talk to Justin

after that encounter, a part of me died

2009-01-13T19:28:00.000-08:00

a week before christmas, justin, a time when most people are filled with tidings of joy and goodwill towards man, poor pitiful, foolish me included.
out shopping for a gift for myself, having finished shopping for the family, i was in need of a new sweater and a belt, something to wear on christmas, so i headed out to brave the mall and see what i could find, knowing that if i did find something, i would be in fine form, i wasn't used to buying these sizes and with each recent purchase, i couldn't help but smile...i was looking good!
the only real blight on my holiday season had been losing you, justin....the person i most enjoyed spending my time with, the guy i most admired, the guy who made me feel like i had finally found a best friend (i'm sorry, to those who may read this, i have some wonderful, beautiful, amazing friends ). after battling back from being really ill, after taking "our" trip without you, now i was facing the holidays knowing that you weren't coming back.
and then there you were
as i stood in line at Macy's with my pretty new belt and sweater, i heard you before i saw you, and part of me had a seizure...its not like i was at parmatown or southpark..i was at summit mall, my own backyard not yours and i turned around and there you were. i, of course, was alone...you, of course, were not. there we were, just feet away from each other, amongst a sea of strangers, and suddenly, i was weak and dizzy and panick at the disco, i was stunned.
you looked so good, you always do.
now in the lamest move of all mankind, i chose to go with my "goodwill towards man" mindset and i approached you. you looked at me, through me, beyond me. you looked as if you had just caught a whiff of something foul or stepped in something left behind by an unruly puppy. and yet, i closed that gap of just a few feet, with my heart exploding and my mouth dry and a thousand "please don't hate me's because i love you and i was sick and i'm sorry for every little fight or slight" begging to be screamed at the top of my lungs. but i kept my calm and i put on my happy face, and as i drew near i put out my hand.
hi justin, merry christmas.....and i proffered my hand for a shake. i offered you my hand! i offered you my hand...the hand that not so long ago you had grabbed and pulled me to the dancefloor and laughed with me and danced with me and celebrated us just being us as we danced the drunken night away.
warriors have shaken hands, east has shaken the hand of west and said "i'm sorry".
you looked at me as if i was a pathetic street urchin, and with a cruelty that i will never recover from..EVER, Justin, EVER..you just shook your head, whispered "i don't think so"...nudged your friend, laughed at me and walked away.
and yet here i sit, weeping at the memory of...not this, but of all the times that i looked at you and said "thank you God"

ugh, just....ugh!

2009-01-10T10:29:00.001-08:00

really?

rewind

2009-01-10T08:57:00.000-08:00

i remember, justin, when you and i first met, way back in 2001, when you came to dinner at my place as steve-o's date, and i thought to myself..."what a cute, funny guy". you and the tool i was living with and steve and i had a nice night, i baked one of my mexican pies, which apparently you really liked!
well about 2 weeks later you and steve were kaput, and life went on.
i met, fell in love with and moved in with bill, you continued school.
bill fell out of love with me and i moved back to akron, in with my friend mikey. you graduated and bought a house and moved to parma. as your trajectory went up, mine went down...
then in january 2007, you saw me online and IM'd me "hey, i know you"...
that was the re-launch of our friendship, as you commented that you had never forgotten that night at my house, how it was your first experience of "real, gay life"...you said what an impression it made on you to come over with a date to 2 gay guy's house just for an evening of dinner and drinks and games...that it made you feel grown up.
why...why did you IM me, why couldn't you have just left me alone, my heart was already broken, i would have healed and settled into oblivion, but no...you had to listen to my problems and be a shoulder, be kind and caring and tell me how fabulous i was and what a dick bill was for letting me go (do you 2 get together for drinks now, raising a glass to what a total mess i am?)
anyways, that was the beginning...we chatted online for months, partly because i was recoupimg from surgery and you were taking a night-class and working at your new career as an engineer. finally, one afternoon in early may, it was a beautiful, warm sunny day, you came down to hang out.
we watched hours and hours of madonna concert dvd's, and episode after episode of "sex and the city", and then you took me to Friendly's for dinner, really late, and when you left to head home, my heart was nervous...with good reason.

meet Chloe Madonna

2009-01-09T10:03:00.000-08:00

with the prodding of a dear friend, i am now the proud papa of miss Chloe Madonna, and fate told me i had to have her...her official listed birthday is September 20th, the same as my dear recently passed Buzzkitty.

this is just the beginning

2009-01-07T18:05:00.000-08:00

i know that the very concept behind this blog is pathetic, but it's cheaper than therapy, and until i spend one whole day where i don't think to myself "i wish i could tell/ask/show justin about this", well, then i suppose that i will blog on here, i suppose i am using this as a way to remember all the really wonderful, funny times he and i shared, and maybe, with deep reflection, i can come to terms with all the really bad, unpleasant times we shared, and i can take him off that pedestal, return him to his true form , that of a normal, decent, flawed guy, just like me...and then i can put him away.