a week before christmas, justin, a time when most people are filled with tidings of joy and goodwill towards man, poor pitiful, foolish me included.
out shopping for a gift for myself, having finished shopping for the family, i was in need of a new sweater and a belt, something to wear on christmas, so i headed out to brave the mall and see what i could find, knowing that if i did find something, i would be in fine form, i wasn't used to buying these sizes and with each recent purchase, i couldn't help but smile...i was looking good!
the only real blight on my holiday season had been losing you, justin....the person i most enjoyed spending my time with, the guy i most admired, the guy who made me feel like i had finally found a best friend (i'm sorry, to those who may read this, i have some wonderful, beautiful, amazing friends ). after battling back from being really ill, after taking "our" trip without you, now i was facing the holidays knowing that you weren't coming back.
and then there you were
as i stood in line at Macy's with my pretty new belt and sweater, i heard you before i saw you, and part of me had a seizure...its not like i was at parmatown or southpark..i was at summit mall, my own backyard not yours and i turned around and there you were. i, of course, was alone...you, of course, were not. there we were, just feet away from each other, amongst a sea of strangers, and suddenly, i was weak and dizzy and panick at the disco, i was stunned.
you looked so good, you always do.
now in the lamest move of all mankind, i chose to go with my "goodwill towards man" mindset and i approached you. you looked at me, through me, beyond me. you looked as if you had just caught a whiff of something foul or stepped in something left behind by an unruly puppy. and yet, i closed that gap of just a few feet, with my heart exploding and my mouth dry and a thousand "please don't hate me's because i love you and i was sick and i'm sorry for every little fight or slight" begging to be screamed at the top of my lungs. but i kept my calm and i put on my happy face, and as i drew near i put out my hand.
hi justin, merry christmas.....and i proffered my hand for a shake. i offered you my hand! i offered you my hand...the hand that not so long ago you had grabbed and pulled me to the dancefloor and laughed with me and danced with me and celebrated us just being us as we danced the drunken night away.
warriors have shaken hands, east has shaken the hand of west and said "i'm sorry".
you looked at me as if i was a pathetic street urchin, and with a cruelty that i will never recover from..EVER, Justin, EVER..you just shook your head, whispered "i don't think so"...nudged your friend, laughed at me and walked away.
and yet here i sit, weeping at the memory of...not this, but of all the times that i looked at you and said "thank you God"
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